Delighted to hear the hate. And the anger. And the worries of what could come if one slips and falls and ends up wrong side up in a gutter. But hold on warrior poet. Your wars are you. Lies included. Mostly those indelible lies that linger into the witching hour when most are asleep. Those truths that never existed, the ghosts of war and the like. Knowing, as a soldier myself, war has no likes.
Hell yes, be you.
Anger and the lies that are no longer are what makes us. The truth later. After the fight comes the return home. The home that never existed as we thought. And there the real struggle begins. Battles in alien fields are not really personal. Going home, that is an entirely different matter. Be there. Done it. And after the jungles came urban life and home. And finally, after decades realizing home is you. And you are it. And reconciliation began there. A soul's journey unleashed.
Eric, this was a very adept explanation. After decades realizing home is you. So poignant and fitting. Than you for your thoughts, considered thoughts, my friend.
You are so courageous in sharing yourself. And you do it so eloquently. Today, with the wisdom of 70 years behind me, I forgive toxic people because they certainly are the result of their demons. I don't necessarily want to be around them, I simply forgive them.
Thank you, Bob. Forgiveness is a tough one. I don’t know that I believe in forgiveness as it’s typically conveyed. I think it’s an ongoing, never-ending action. Hell, forgiving might just be loving veiled in a different word.
That's a good point. My view of forgiveness is that for someone struggling with their trauma and demons that manifests itself in a negative behavior towards me, I can forgive (love?) them. I will not abide the behavior though which might mean I want very little to do with them.
Our society has a way of targeting and vilifying men... "toxic masculinity" and all that bullsh#t. Pernoste tells me the school system has become even worse, with teachers teaching his young boy that being male is inherently bad, that boys are not as organized or clean, or well behaved, and they need to be more like girls. And the girls grow up being taught this, too. I can see that men face challenges in today's world, and it is taking its toll on them and driving them to be what they're accused of being. On behalf of sane women everywhere, I believe we need men... in particular men who are men in the best sense of what men can be... courageous, kind, strong, protective, hard-working, loving. Thank you for your honesty in describing your life 💙Anneliese
“3–1/2" floppies. Remember those? Held about 1MB of data. Reach really far back and you’ll find the original 5–1/4" floppies. Those were actually floppy. Are you sure you wish to rewrite this disk? Yes/No.”
First of all — how are even old enough to remember these? I was working in a now extinct bank when we used these!
Secondly, the analogy of rewriting a disk to rewriting oneself. Sigh. Hope you don’t get tired of hearing how otherworldly your craft is.
Wow Roman, this was such and amazing and heartfelt piece. I loved how you italicized specific emotions you had during those times as well. I felt myself hanging onto every word to hear what emotion comes next. It's almost like a cycle you created, which sort of outlines the subject of addiction. I, too, used to think drinking alcohol would allow me to have more fun until I realized that all it did was make me forget the night. Forget emotions that I didn't want to face. Later on I found out that spending time with people you care about is so precious that you want to remember it. Thank you so much for posting this! Keep up the great work! :)
So poignant and relatable. I remember being balled up in the fetal position, bawling my guts out in what I consider to have been the final release of my mother and the childhood riddled with incest and neglect that she gifted me. That was during the pandemic, 51 years after my birth.
In that 5-hour encounter, I accepted that forgiveness is indeed a journey and that every element of me — every “good and bad” thing I became as a result of my mother’s choices — still deserves to be loved, the best of that love coming from me. Still rewriting that disk and ain’t mad about it.
Qu, what a vulnerable gift of sharing. I so appreciate that trust and kindness. It is incredible that trauma release can take so long. I’m sorry for what you went through, but proud of your resilience.
Delighted to hear the hate. And the anger. And the worries of what could come if one slips and falls and ends up wrong side up in a gutter. But hold on warrior poet. Your wars are you. Lies included. Mostly those indelible lies that linger into the witching hour when most are asleep. Those truths that never existed, the ghosts of war and the like. Knowing, as a soldier myself, war has no likes.
Hell yes, be you.
Anger and the lies that are no longer are what makes us. The truth later. After the fight comes the return home. The home that never existed as we thought. And there the real struggle begins. Battles in alien fields are not really personal. Going home, that is an entirely different matter. Be there. Done it. And after the jungles came urban life and home. And finally, after decades realizing home is you. And you are it. And reconciliation began there. A soul's journey unleashed.
Eric, this was a very adept explanation. After decades realizing home is you. So poignant and fitting. Than you for your thoughts, considered thoughts, my friend.
You are so courageous in sharing yourself. And you do it so eloquently. Today, with the wisdom of 70 years behind me, I forgive toxic people because they certainly are the result of their demons. I don't necessarily want to be around them, I simply forgive them.
Well done as usual.
Thank you, Bob. Forgiveness is a tough one. I don’t know that I believe in forgiveness as it’s typically conveyed. I think it’s an ongoing, never-ending action. Hell, forgiving might just be loving veiled in a different word.
That's a good point. My view of forgiveness is that for someone struggling with their trauma and demons that manifests itself in a negative behavior towards me, I can forgive (love?) them. I will not abide the behavior though which might mean I want very little to do with them.
Our society has a way of targeting and vilifying men... "toxic masculinity" and all that bullsh#t. Pernoste tells me the school system has become even worse, with teachers teaching his young boy that being male is inherently bad, that boys are not as organized or clean, or well behaved, and they need to be more like girls. And the girls grow up being taught this, too. I can see that men face challenges in today's world, and it is taking its toll on them and driving them to be what they're accused of being. On behalf of sane women everywhere, I believe we need men... in particular men who are men in the best sense of what men can be... courageous, kind, strong, protective, hard-working, loving. Thank you for your honesty in describing your life 💙Anneliese
It's good to see you both over here on Substack. I'm relatively new to this platform.
We just came here ourselves... see how it goes 💙Anneliese
Ann, thank you for your kind and thoughtful comment. I appreciate you. -R
Love the metaphor of the disk. People can write what they want on their own disk but they don't get to overwrite mine. Powerful concept.
Nope.
“3–1/2" floppies. Remember those? Held about 1MB of data. Reach really far back and you’ll find the original 5–1/4" floppies. Those were actually floppy. Are you sure you wish to rewrite this disk? Yes/No.”
First of all — how are even old enough to remember these? I was working in a now extinct bank when we used these!
Secondly, the analogy of rewriting a disk to rewriting oneself. Sigh. Hope you don’t get tired of hearing how otherworldly your craft is.
So visceral, Roman. You have such a command of the language, I love the introduction of vectors.
And the association with a burning helicopter on fire when thinking of your dad. So apropos.
Thanks for reading, Sarah. I appreciate ya.
I LOVE EVERY FUCKING THING ABOUT THIS.
Wow Roman, this was such and amazing and heartfelt piece. I loved how you italicized specific emotions you had during those times as well. I felt myself hanging onto every word to hear what emotion comes next. It's almost like a cycle you created, which sort of outlines the subject of addiction. I, too, used to think drinking alcohol would allow me to have more fun until I realized that all it did was make me forget the night. Forget emotions that I didn't want to face. Later on I found out that spending time with people you care about is so precious that you want to remember it. Thank you so much for posting this! Keep up the great work! :)
Khadejah, thank you for this kind comment. I wish you all the best on your own journey. I’ve certainly grown a lot.
Thank you so much Roman! This certainly helps! Keep up the great work! :)
So poignant and relatable. I remember being balled up in the fetal position, bawling my guts out in what I consider to have been the final release of my mother and the childhood riddled with incest and neglect that she gifted me. That was during the pandemic, 51 years after my birth.
In that 5-hour encounter, I accepted that forgiveness is indeed a journey and that every element of me — every “good and bad” thing I became as a result of my mother’s choices — still deserves to be loved, the best of that love coming from me. Still rewriting that disk and ain’t mad about it.
Qu, what a vulnerable gift of sharing. I so appreciate that trust and kindness. It is incredible that trauma release can take so long. I’m sorry for what you went through, but proud of your resilience.
Asé. Same to you, friend. 💙