Rocket Ship
What I see when I look up
I am the spaceship outside my house with nowhere to go, a blinking light on my nose. If I get back to you it will be by traveling across the universe, by breaking through the skin of another dimension. If I love you it will be by going far away.
I have always felt I could dig into a relationship for years and still topple like a birdhouse planted in sand. The soil of my engagement has always been too soft to hold foundation or too hard to be broken. No tower stands here.
When you watch so much end, life begins to appear as an ending. So I try to focus on beginnings and the idea that my past does not predict my future. Endings are just reconfigurations, so I give myself quiet encouragement: do not be afraid.
“I’ll tell you what freedom is to me: no fear.” — Nina Simone
You tell me I’m beautiful as you walk away. You close unread pages while you go to the shelf for your next book. I want to say it’s my fault but don’t see how I can be held responsible. Then I remember being held responsible has nothing to do with fault.
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I stand on my own. Angling into proper telemetry. Like the spaceship outside my house. Like my cone-shaped wonder. Boyhood hope. Dreams turned to pinatas, beaten for entertainment.
I do my best to be patient but rocket ships aren’t made for pointing at the sky; they aren’t made for sitting quietly thinking about arc-seconds; they’re made for blasting off.
I think we hurt each other, not by manipulating people, but by manipulating their purpose. It’s how we wither long before our death. If I dictate rulings on the things that bring you alive, what’s the point of being alive? The only love is love without control.
Purpose is the only way I know to become the best version of myself. The pursuit of purpose is the only thing that has ever drawn me into new worlds, past fear, past the unknown. For a very long time, I struggled with the idea of peace until I realized peace is not a feeling; it’s the ability to be constant in the face of life. To show up, persist, and stay eyes on your purpose.
I used to think faith was about religion. Now I know faith is about creation, something that has very little to do with the seen or unseen. People see everyday and still don’t believe. Have you ever noticed how two people can watch the same show and have different experiences? Have you ever walked through a museum and cried over a piece of art then realized your partner didn’t feel the same and felt alone?
It’s a cell tower. The spaceship is a cell tower. Last night, I went in the cool night air and looked at the same cell tower I’ve seen a hundred times, red lights blinking off and on, but this time I saw a spaceship. For the moment, it had a new purpose.
It wasn’t grand. It was a moment. Where I saw the same thing I’ve always seen but in a new way. Sometimes the answers are right in front of me, but I confuse seeing with seeing far. Sometimes seeing near is the greater feat.
The tower’s beautiful tonight. Looking at the very top, I can imagine it being anywhere, planted in a forest or middle of a snowy plain or atop a high plateau, or flying through space, headed to a new world.
Hey, I’m Roman. I’m working on my debut novel, 20xx, a work in magical realism. I write on Substack.
You have some beautiful lines in here, Mr. Roman!
This is so light and heavy at the same time. Beautiful 🖤